View Full Version : Half man jokes needed

02-08-2012, 07:08 PM
we are doing a half man illusion this year but need some jokes for the actor to tell to people walking by . do you have any jokes?

02-09-2012, 05:34 AM
I'm half the man I used to be....
This place is 1/2 assed
Have you met my better 1/2
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes...wait
stand up when I'm talking to you

I need more time for this one :)

02-09-2012, 01:26 PM
good stuff thanks ...hope others can give some ideas!!

Haunt man
02-09-2012, 04:35 PM
Have two other people with the poor guy and call them the real two and a half men!

Jim Warfield
02-09-2012, 07:11 PM
no cream in my coffee, I prefer half and half." (Which half? Lower?)
"That pick-pocket didn't know when to stop!"
"Well, doesn't that just bite you in the ass?' Might as well bite you, can't find mine."
Can you tell by just looking at me? I just got Divorced!" She took what she wanted, or is that all that she needed?
Her Cousin is Lorraina Bobbitt!
Never eat black powder with baked beans!
NOW I can wear my daughter's skinny fashion jeans!
Get your hand outa there! I'm not a hand puppet! You tickled my innards!
Let this be a lesson to you all, NEVER let anyone untie your belly button ! Your butt Will fall off!
Hi there Sweety, I hope when it comes to men, that you are not an ass-woman, oh wait. I found it, it's simmering in this small box.
I am a sad example that yes, a lot of backdoor sex does happen in prisons. My back door is off it's hinges right now, see all those flies buzzing , I'm more nervous now.
And then they notice the warning sign: Beware You are now entering the Ass-Muncher Zone! Beviss! "heh, heh!"

Allen H
02-10-2012, 12:07 AM
" you better use em while you got em, cause I'm a leg man !"
Ive got a bone to pick with you
you think your better than me with you're fancy legs
Divorce court, She got half
Yeah....my mom smoked
Yeah, I got to work the chainsaw last night!
IF one more butthole calls me Lt. Dan I will peel him like a shrimp

02-10-2012, 01:53 PM
You all belong in a half way house if you think your jokes are any good ya buncha half wits.

Hey, I'm a great guy because I'm incapable of being a butthole.

My watch quit working. Is it half past noon yet?

I must be getting fatter because I can't see my toes.

02-11-2012, 10:09 AM
OMG, I can't feel my legs!
man do I hate used car salesmen. The other day, one tried selling me a car w/lots of leg room, what the hell do I need leg room for?!?
watch out (whispers) down the hall is a guy w/no arms,,,,,,,sheesh that gives me the creeps, you know what I mean?
I got fired from my last job, on payday I went to the office and asked for my paystubs, and all I said was." Where are my stubs?" they said I
made the office girls nervous
Now I know why my dog drags his butt on the carpet, it FEELS so good!
when I shower at the gym I wear 2 shower caps, don't wanna catch athlete's stump
my bookie hates me, if I lose and don't pay,,,,,,whatsa he gonna do, break my legs?
I'm dating a girl right now, a real looker, she's pigeon toed, and I'm no toed, imagine what the kids will look like
at least my knees don't knock together any more
guess what kinda shampoo I use? Yeah head and shoulders
Anybody here gotta foot fetish? Well you're outta luck!
Santa doesn't come to my house anymore,,,,,grumbles,,,,,,,, damn hangin stockings by the fire,@#$%%!
my knuckles drag on the ground, what's your excuse?
so I may be disabled, but I still get plenty of work, in the off season I plug holes in dikes
Man do I hate going to the beach, everytime I go swimming everyone yells, "Bob, bob,,,," and my name is Chuck!
and finally to the right crowd, when I stand up my junk hits the floor, can you say that? I didn't think so by the look on your gf's face

02-11-2012, 11:02 AM
Great stuff everyone, keep it coming...Lt. Dan ..lol that was good.

02-13-2012, 07:35 AM
Allen, that was awesome! lol.

Guy, we're wanting to do a "Spill your guts" Illusion as well. I saw this thread and though "Ahh heck, I gotta see these responses"

Ok. The only one I had come to mind is work up something similar to...

Have your barker pick on a couple. Talk to the man and remind him " Hey.. careful with that one bud, you know women, they woo you one minute and the next they sweep the legs right out from under you"

Sorry, all I got. Pain meds may wear off soon and so I have a better chance at more then.

02-13-2012, 11:03 PM
The other guy got the better end of the deal. It only cost him only an arm and a leg...