View Full Version : snappy comebacks

10-11-2008, 11:30 PM
I was wondering what are some good comebacks to say to those smart asses or just anyone who trys to talk to you?

10-12-2008, 01:29 AM
Don't break character... as in, "don't reply". Blow it off. All they want is to get a thrill out of starting stuff.
Just my thoughts and it works well. It deflates their balloon in a way.

I was wondering what are some good comebacks to say to those smart asses or just anyone who trys to talk to you?

Jim Warfield
10-12-2008, 01:58 AM
Comebacks galore! Too bad I forget what they were....
My "Comebacks" sometimes become rather drawn out and convoluted, but people are laughing!
Tonight a man confessed that he was shitting his pants as I scared him pretty thoroughly.
Then I asked him if he was shiting his pants or maybe actually giving birth?
He said it was going to be an anal birth.
I asked him how it could be born because he was sitting on my couch?
"Wouldn't the "baby"have to burrow it's way through the cushion and the springs if you keep sitting there?"
Sure enough, the couch shot upward and the "baby" escaped into the basement after it's extreme and quick floorboard destruction.
I then requested the two women sitting on either side of him to refrain from re-impregnating him for at least a few minutes longer!
Earlier tonight as a group was just getting seated a guy was handling a prop of mine (I don't want handled) it was a silky old curtain I ocassionally use as a shroud, it was all balled up, I took it from him without being aggressive then tucked it between my knees , then did a spastic bunny-hop across the room as if it was a normal thing to be doing.
I also experimented with various ways to say the same lines as I was seeing a new group every 15 minutes or so.
I effected a rather comedic ring to loudly exclaiming one time:"This house was built in 1870, by a boatload of limping cross-eyes midgets with bad tools!"
Of course up to "1870" in that dialog my voice is very normal in tone and volume then it goes nuts after that.

10-12-2008, 03:13 AM
What sort of character are you doing, and what's the atmosphere in your area like?

Little relevant things about your position can help you.

Jim Warfield
10-12-2008, 10:52 AM
Would movie characters such as "Dr. Lector" or "Norman Bates" be scary if they didn't talk at all?
Talking allows you more entry into another person's mind , which if words are chosen carefully can give you much more leverage to scare or entertain them.
"Acting" can be just a look, or the body language but words complete what these other features of communication begin.
Of course this all takes precious time....

10-12-2008, 02:16 PM
What sort of character are you doing, and what's the atmosphere in your area like?

Little relevant things about your position can help you.

Im suppose to be sliding at the entrance of the haunt, its like in a box shape and its outdoor. I believe im going to be like a texas outlaw. The haunt opens on the last week of October...i dont know why.

10-13-2008, 09:00 AM
I use cute little phrases like " I want your blood all over me", "your blood is my wine" "your time will soon come" "are you ready to die"? "I will eat your entrails and bathe in the blood of your carcass".

If you say really weird creepy stuff, it usually shuts people up if you are shocking. and for possible trouble patrons i like to say " We are watching you, we are everywhere"

10-14-2008, 08:44 AM
Patron: "Is there a bathroom inside??"
Me: "Yea, your pants!"

Usually gets a good reaction outta people. After all, we're there to entertain right?

Dr. Giggles
10-14-2008, 09:42 AM
Hear Hear! Make em laugh till they die!

Lillian Vanderdark
10-14-2008, 10:09 PM
Oh the wonderful comments I have both heared and used at the morgue, as recently as last Saturday night. The two best come from my co-workers Warren and Pongo. Warren's was in response to a girl threatening to sue if she was touched ( we make it VERY clear before you purchase a ticket that you WILL be touched and that by buying the ticket and going in you consent to this, so it's a silly threat). She said that, and his response was "Go right ahead, my dear. We have a whole pile of lawyers over by the crematorium, pick one." or something to that effect. The second was
Customer: You need to go buy some acting lessons (this said to one of our best *insert annoyed eye roll here)
Pongo: You need to go buy a better hair line

From myself, there have been a few gems this season.
Girl: I like your dress, can I have it? (My character wears a fairly attractive old fashioned dress)
Me: Sure, if I can have your skin

Guy: I'd like to fool around with you sometime (I play a reanimated corpse, you sicko)
Me, as I lower my cleaver to crotch level: That's hard to do if you're missing an appendage.

10-19-2008, 09:35 AM
I'm an owner but I also suit up as a Crazed Doctor, I usually harass the crowd waiting in line. Not bragging but I am really quick with come backs...
Last night a some rude punk shouted out "Your costumes gay!"
I said "really I like yours but whose dressed as the other end of the horse?"
Oh my god everyone in line let out a laugh and just OOOOOHHHH.
This guy couldn't find a hole big enough to crawl in.

Damien Warwick
10-20-2008, 04:47 PM
well we are a UV haunt and I have contacts that make my eyes glow yellow under UV (and if they wear the 3d glasses they appear to pop out of my head a bit lol) any time I get a comment on my eyes i like to say "Thank you, they were my mothers....she didn't like me taking them from her."

...then we had a girl who...well heres how my room works...i get in their face very anthony hopkins like...all monotone and just freak um out...then my creature comes out and finishes um off....I had a girl totally freaked she was like as down on the ground as she could get even from me alone lol and when he came out she lost it...everyone else in the group was just laughing hysterically....I never broke eye contact with her and shes like "what do you want I'll do anything" And I just had this sick smile on my face and said..."The said thing is...(i get really close now and whisper so everyone can hear)...you havent even seen anything yet." THE GROUP GOES CRAZY!

Jim Warfield
11-04-2008, 05:46 PM
Reading your post had me feeling like I just met my acting brother!
Dealing in creating anticipation and fear through subtle looks and expressions, voice inflections and timeing of those much anticpated weird words! YES!
I have been told that some think I resemble Dr. Lector, I think I resemble Jim Warfield, a much scarier creature! (once they get to "No"! me!)
Aren't compliments nice!
This season I had people complimenting my house, as first time visitors, as they were leaving just the first room! (There is alot going on in that room for the ten or fifteen minutes they are in it.)
Then I got to say that line about "You ain't seen nothing yet!"
Then there is the classic simple line when the customer asks, "Where do I go?"
"In your pants!"

Ken Spriggs
11-11-2008, 11:42 AM
Well as I tell my actors......do what I say not what I do....

When I am in costume.....and I get hecklers.....I give them the big fu really loud.......then come back with the chainsaw in a few minutes.

It works for me :)

My best one though honestly?
When ever anyone asks about working the haunt
How much money
You can't touch me
and any other question you can think of..........

Just tell them you don't work there.......or say.....you mean I could have a job here?
Makes even the big boys wonder

Jim Warfield
11-11-2008, 11:26 PM
When a customer has seen a great portion of my place, in which I have built, drawn, arranged 99% of what they have been looking at and they say something like"You must be crazy!"
I like to respond with something like:"I didn't just pay you to see the inside of your house."
This is "My House" for the last 21 years, I live here too.
Maybe such stupidity offends me more than the rest of you for those reasons just given.
Some people just have to say something and it's funny how people who will never ever meet one another recite one another's lines so often!
"Do you live in this house?"
"Do you sleep in this house?"
"Oh. all you groupies always want to know where I sleep!"
"Where do you sleep?"
"In the attic, upside down, hanging from a steel hook."
(This way if I wet myself while asleep the steel hook won't get rusty.)

11-18-2008, 12:34 AM
had some little prissy teenager go through and when i got into her face, yelling,

she turned around and yelled "Oh my god, you spit in my face you jerk"

my reply "then come here and let me lick it all off for you"

her squeal was good enough satisfaction.

Jim Warfield
11-18-2008, 06:46 AM
Maybe she realised that if you spit enough volume and then she waited too long for you to begin "licking" that you might have to lick more than just her face by then to do a good , thorough job of it?

11-21-2008, 02:42 AM
I'm a fairly tall guy, 6' 5". So when I sneak up on people and really get them, they are shocked and I hear a lot of "my god your big" or "you are one big dude"

My comebacks vary, but generally are "Now how can you tell that" or "I'm tall too"

Jim Warfield
11-21-2008, 07:12 AM
The same comebacks to every group because some will be offended. I try to pick up on how what I say is being received and then proceed.
I said something this season pertaining to my manhood sticking through the hole in the floor upstairs, something about I had to lay on my back...the ceiling is 12 feet high!
I obviously turned down the big, easy money with the sideshow freak circuit.
Just call me "Lumpy"! Anaconda Lumpy?
Like the old blacksmith that would wrap his pet bullsnake around himself to keep it warm in the winter. He caused quite the excitement when the snake stuck it's head out from the front of his shirt as the guys all were around the pot bellied wood stove getting warm!
nobody guessed that he was packing "Snake" that day.
No permit needed, no ammo either.

Dr. Giggles
11-21-2008, 04:04 PM
Well as I tell my actors......do what I say not what I do....

When I am in costume.....and I get hecklers.....I give them the big fu really loud.......then come back with the chainsaw in a few minutes.

It works for me :)

My best one though honestly?
When ever anyone asks about working the haunt
How much money
You can't touch me
and any other question you can think of..........

Just tell them you don't work there.......or say.....you mean I could have a job here?
Makes even the big boys wonder

I just "break character" completely when someone says, "How do you get a Job here?" And i look them right in the eyes i tell them "Oh what? A job? No this is community service, the security is here for your protection not ours! We do this rather then clean up the side of the road...im a convicted felon!" and i end it with a big stupid grin on my face then i usually let my hand drop down to my pocket really rapidly. They always take of down the hallway for some reason as if i was going for a weapon.

12-09-2008, 06:52 AM
I'm loving some of these comebacks. I'm a guide at one of the haunts I work for, and a queue line entertainer at the other. I'm usually pretty quick with the snarky comebacks, but I have to share a story about someone who actually caught me flat-footed. I was done up as my witch character. (We were in Salem, naturally.) The costume involved a lot of cleavage, and I had a little rubber snake nestled down between the gals as an accent. One guy asked me, "What's that snake doing in there." I said, "He's keeping warm." Without missing a beat, he answered, "I'm feeling a bit chilly myself."

I mean, okay. He won that one. ;)

On the topic of disruptive drunks... I actually have a different tactic for dealing with drunks, especially when I'm guiding. Everyone says that you should ignore them, but I find that as long as they're ignored, they keep trying to get attention and that disrupts the tour for everyone. I've learned to give them JUST enough attention so that they are happy, without neglecting the rest of my group. I like to give them a name like Idiot or Beanhead, and call them by it over the course of the tour. I don't really threaten them. That makes them defensive. Instead, I'll give them some kind of instruction and then say, "Do you think you can handle that, Beanhead?" Little digs at them every few minutes accomplish two things.

One, it gives the person who's looking for attention exactly what they're looking for. It isn't really positive--I'm making them the whipping boy for the group. But, they're getting attention, and usually they just smile stupidly and play along, instead of disrupting my tour.

Two, it enables the rest of the group to have fun too. You can see the looks on their faces when they come in, especially if they got grouped with the guy at random. They came to enjoy the tour, and they clearly think this guy is going to ruin it for them. If I can make fun of him, keeping him under control AND giving the group the opportunity to laugh at him, everyone has a lot more fun.

Needless to say this is only one method. In general my characters aren't as serious as most, and it gives me the opportunity to defuse the situation with a bit of humor. It's easier for me to be obnoxious without breaking character.

Jim Warfield
12-09-2008, 07:27 AM
I sort of tried that but many times it could not work. Maybe because booze is priced way too cheaply out here and 5 taverns are within 100 feet of my house?
I would twist what a slobbering drunk would say, spit it back at him and make him sound stupid but if they are beyond caring if they look stupid? Then it doesn't work.
Much of what I am telling my customers requires them to not become too distracted because much of it is "Story" in nature.
Maybe it compares to trying to read a book and someone keeps interupting you with totally unnecesarry distractions?
So much of haunted entertainment are already distractions so it won't usually work for me here to keep drunkies in the group if they are beyond comprehending basic instructions and courtesy.
When I first opened I was very much in need of any customer with a dollar in their hand and I found out WAY back then, babysitting drunks is no fun, counter-productive, the next day, after a long night of that I was about shot for doing much else besides sleeping til noon. (Not good, too much to do!)

12-10-2008, 05:24 PM
True. Once they're that far gone, not much is going to work. Mine is usually a good method for the ones that are at that stupid stage where they think they're being really funny. When we get a total slobbering drunk, about the only thing we can do is have a security guy go on the tour with us. It's sub-optimal for the rest of the group, but what are you gonna do?

One of the haunts I work for simply turns the really drunk ones away if they see them on the way in. Not the best way to make money, but overall it's probably worth it.

From what I've seen, about nine out of ten bad drunks can be corralled, and then you just get the impossible one. There's always going to be one...:roll:

Jim Warfield
12-11-2008, 01:00 AM
Tours? When I have angry customers demanding a re-tour because I didn't eject a distracting drunk from their group, I have just "bought" myself into some real amount of work since the tour here is usually 90 minutes long.
I could understand allowing them to remain if it was just a 10 to 12 minute experience to do-over.(Or if I only had to do-over a mere 10 to 12 minutes.)
I am always very pleased when a drunk is reprimanded by his own people because they don't want his blubbering either.
They must be real "fans"!

01-15-2009, 12:01 PM
For some reason (dont ask me why) i get alot of idiots that come through and try to hit on me i'll walk thru a piece of the Q line and suddenly hear "Oh whats up baby can i get ur number" or "check out the hot dead girl, what up baby." Something retarded like that, its really funny then to turn around and look at them, and just smile and say "Sorry sweetheart you're not my type" in a way that you can tell im completely making fun of them or since my character rarely talks as it is, i'll move closer and close and pretend to sniff them and after a few seconds make a grimmace on my face liek they smell really bad. Its funny cause usually the people they're with make fun of them for "the dead girls not even intrested in u dawg!" or something like that, its a great way to use their friends against them.