I'm loving some of these comebacks. I'm a guide at one of the haunts I work for, and a queue line entertainer at the other. I'm usually pretty quick with the snarky comebacks, but I have to share a story about someone who actually caught me flat-footed. I was done up as my witch character. (We were in Salem, naturally.) The costume involved a lot of cleavage, and I had a little rubber snake nestled down between the gals as an accent. One guy asked me, "What's that snake doing in there." I said, "He's keeping warm." Without missing a beat, he answered, "I'm feeling a bit chilly myself."
I mean, okay. He won that one.
On the topic of disruptive drunks... I actually have a different tactic for dealing with drunks, especially when I'm guiding. Everyone says that you should ignore them, but I find that as long as they're ignored, they keep trying to get attention and that disrupts the tour for everyone. I've learned to give them JUST enough attention so that they are happy, without neglecting the rest of my group. I like to give them a name like Idiot or Beanhead, and call them by it over the course of the tour. I don't really threaten them. That makes them defensive. Instead, I'll give them some kind of instruction and then say, "Do you think you can handle that, Beanhead?" Little digs at them every few minutes accomplish two things.
One, it gives the person who's looking for attention exactly what they're looking for. It isn't really positive--I'm making them the whipping boy for the group. But, they're getting attention, and usually they just smile stupidly and play along, instead of disrupting my tour.
Two, it enables the rest of the group to have fun too. You can see the looks on their faces when they come in, especially if they got grouped with the guy at random. They came to enjoy the tour, and they clearly think this guy is going to ruin it for them. If I can make fun of him, keeping him under control AND giving the group the opportunity to laugh at him, everyone has a lot more fun.
Needless to say this is only one method. In general my characters aren't as serious as most, and it gives me the opportunity to defuse the situation with a bit of humor. It's easier for me to be obnoxious without breaking character.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.